I can be an extremely defensive person when I don’t stop to take a breath. That characteristic has always been contradictory to my expression of “I don’t care what people think of me” until I noticed something. I say “I don’t care what people think of me” only in the moments of people showing approval with the thought of criticism too far in the back of my mind to worry me. On the other hand, I begin to sound very different when I’m in the midst of disapproval or criticism. I quickly search for a defensive mechanism— insults, sarcasm, or stating opinions as facts. All this in light of the other person sounding like they have less validity in what they are telling me.
The truth is, this article took me way too long to write for one simple reason— I am still learning to deal with criticism. I have surrounded myself with friends and mentors who correct me with love and use constructive criticism to do it. Nevertheless, I honestly still put up walls and get my defense weapons ready to fire back the moment I sense it coming. Why? Because it doesn’t make me feel good. I have associated feeling loved with approval from people as if their criticism, to help me become better, isn’t love.
Before I keep moving forward, let me make something clear: this has not been written to convince others that as Christians, we should allow people to dictate how we walk in Christ and become people “pleasers”. That isn’t constructive and the word of God should always be our truest and first guide in correcting our walk as Christians.
Moving on, let’s define criticism so we are all on the same page. Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. In light of this definition, when criticism is given correctly, it can lead to Godly correction which leads to discipline, and we need discipline whether we like it or not.
Maybe this isn’t sitting well with you, but please keep reading. Criticism doesn't sit well because of the following two reasons: 1) we would rather be praised and 2) we have received destructive criticism that was damaging rather than edifying. Ok, so you’re probably asking, “how can we change our feelings towards criticism?” Well, through scripture and prayer just as I’m learning. If your problem is that you would rather be praised than allow someone to give you Godly criticism, I’ve got a simple fix for that mess: “You can trust what your friend says, even when it hurts. But your enemies want to hurt you, even when they act nice.” Proverbs 27:6 ERV
The truth can hurt, but when you have a true friend, they would rather you hurt and grow than to sweetly lie and allow you to continue in doing something that needs changing. Which leads to the second reason I stated earlier. When we have been hurt through criticism as a Christian, it can often be because we have not surrounded ourselves with true, Godly, loving people. When we have close friends that aren’t seeking wisdom before expressing a Godly criticism, we open the door to not only get hurt, but also make us believe we should shut out what others have to say and keep our defensive nature. When my walk with God led me to the godly friendships I have now, I began this slow process of “loving correction” (Proverbs 12:1). It’s been slow and painful but always progressive.
I can say that criticism has become something I even seek out at times. Why? Because when God led me to people led by Him, I began to see the love behind the sharp iron wording coming from the people who walk alongside me. It can hurt and it can cut, but it also heals. God is the only person I know who can use a double edged sword (the Bible) to pierce and heal you. When the leaders and friends you call your community use the Bible as their guide, their criticism of your action and decision will always make you better rather than leave you wounded. I myself am still learning, I can admit that shamelessly because I am an imperfect human. Yet, within that humanity I also have an ability to change and become better not in hopes for a perfect Valeris, but rather for a more Godly one. I’m not where I want to be but I’m not where I was and that is because of the work Christ has done in me not just personally but through the corrections and criticisms of the community I now call family.
The next time you are faced with a person's correction I challenge you to listen with the intent to understand rather than the intent of responding; then pray. You might just see how God shifts your reaction one degree closer to becoming like Him. After all, it is always about Jesus.
“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:18 ESV
